THE ARTIST & THE MUSE || THREE HUNDRED SEVENTEEN DAYS LATER

It has been 317 days since I hit publish on a blog post. After my last post, I was so far gone I didn't know up from down. I clawed myself from the deepest depths of grief to get to this point. They say time heals, and maybe it does, but so does the need for change. I knew I couldn't stay in that space. I allowed myself to feel all the emotions, even when I wanted to run from them. Three hundred seventeen days later, and here we are. I had to rebuild myself from ground zero. Everything came crumbling down, and to survive, I had to make a choice daily to push forward.

All the things I needed, I had to give to myself. When you are in the depths of grief, you lose a bit of yourself. I had to kill that part for this new version of me. An imperfect healing woman striving to be the best she can be. I wouldn't say I got my spark back fully, but your girl is starting to shine. I make daily deposits to my overall well-being (emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, and mentally). Every day, I fight for myself, the old and new versions. I choose discipline over complacency. I choose faith over fear. I choose ___ over familiar.

Old habits had to die hard. I couldn't entertain anything that was no longer in alignment with where I am + where I am headed. I was in survival mode so long that my nervous system was completely fried. Nobody talks about how hard it truly is to settle your nervous system back to a baseline when it has stayed in distress for so long.

Who are you outside of survival mode?

The hardest part has been allowing the calm to stay. When you thrive in chaos / chaotic situations, calmness feels uncomfortable. I had to find comfort in the calm. Be still and be okay with it. I started romanticizing the simple joys. I had to rediscover my happiness whilst abandoning some parts I only needed to survive. Although the grief almost drowned me, I am thankful for the lessons it taught me. It fucking sucked but I needed it.

With grace, I found the beauty in being the artist and the muse. I have reinvented myself a dozen of times throughout life, but I think my favorite Bee is just loading.

Thank you for sharing this crazy life journey with me. Let's see what we can get into this time!

B.